Ariana Grande is surely suffering more than most because of the passing of her ex-boyfriend, Mac Miller. The singer posted a short video of the Pittsburgh rapper on Instagram along with a personal message in his tribute.

“i adored you from the day i met you when i was nineteen and i always will. i can’t believe you aren’t here anymore,” begins her caption to the clip.

She added, “i can’t believe you aren’t here anymore. i really can’t wrap my head around it. we talked about this. so many times. i’m so mad, i’m so sad i don’t know what to do. you were my dearest friend. for so long. above anything else. i’m so sorry i couldn’t fix or take your pain away. i really wanted to. the kindest, sweetest soul with demons he never deserved. i hope you’re okay now. rest.”